To Lose One's Heart
by And I was Like OMG
Summary: Severus Snape contempates his life without Lily. Remembering the good times and how he knew he loved, no loves her. Song Fic: On My Own from Les Miserables.    If you want me add more to the story you have to review otherwise it's complete ;D


**A/N: I've had this story in the my computer for a while and I finally decided to post in respect to the character Severus Snapes birthday is today!So HAPPY BIRTHDAY SEVERUS SNAPE! I love You xD**

**I had my cousin Kacey read this for me and she said it was awesome x) So lets pray you like it too ;D**

_Disclaimer: I do not own the characters in this story; they belong solely to J.K Rowling. Any art that I post to go along with the story most of the time will belong to be other's will be posted with a name of who created it and links to their page. Thank you._

**Story:** To Lose One's Heart

**Genre:** Angst, Romance

**Pairing:** Severus Snape/ Lily Evans Potter

**Era:** Marauders Era

**Chapter:** One

"_I never meant to call you Mudblood, it just —_" "_Slipped out? It's too late. I've made excuses for you for years. None of my friends can understand why I even talk to you. You and your precious little "Death Eater" friends ... You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine._"

Lily. My Gorgeous Lily. How beautiful she is. Her hair glistening in the sunshine. Her eyes sparkling like perfect emerald.

For all the years I have known her, she only grows more spectacular, more amazing by the hour. There's no woman out there that could hold my heart as she. For I no longer own it. It belongs solely to her. Only for her. Forever for her.

I'm not obsessed... But if I were who could blame me? Lily Evans. Merlin even her name is wonderful.

But everything's fallen apart. I've done the unforgivable. That word has ruined me...

**And now I'm all alone again nowhere to turn, no one to go to  
>without a home without a friend without a face to say hello to<br>And now the night is near  
>Now I can make believe she's here.<br>**

I see her almost every day. With him. She said she hated him. But there she goes. Walking with him. Talking with him. Married to him. Laughing at one his stupid jokes. Bloody prat... Why? Why aren't I enough? I would love her forever. Only her no one else, never anyone else.

**Sometimes I walk alone at night  
>When everybody else is sleeping<br>I think of her and then I'm happy  
>With the company I'm keeping<br>The city goes to bed  
>And I can live inside my head<strong>

If only I could. There she's mine. And I am her's. Only her's. I hold her for hours on ends. We don't say much. A few whispers here and there but other than that? Silence. Just us. Alone. Nobody else, my head we are by ourselves and we are completely content. **  
><strong>  
><strong>On my own<br>Pretending she's beside me  
>All alone<br>I walk with her till morning  
>Without her<br>I feel her arms around me  
>And when I lose my way I close my eyes<br>And she has found me**

But she never does. I wait. And I wait. And I **wait. **But nothing, never. I pray to that so called 'God' she loves. I'm begging him to return her to me. But he never answers.

**In the rain the pavement shines like silver  
>All the lights are misty in the river<br>In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight**  
><strong><br>And all I see is her and me forever and forever  
>And I know it's only in my mind<br>That I'm talking to myself and not to her  
>And although I know that she is blind<br>Still I say, there's a way for us**

There has to be. I can't live without her. I'm a wreck. Regulus says I'm mad. That I should give up. There's no way for us. I'm living a fantasy land. I know I am! But it never diminishes my hope that one day she comes home. To me, in my arms were she belongs.

**I love her  
>But when the night is over<br>She is gone  
>The river's just a river<br>Without her  
>The world around me changes<br>The trees are bare and everywhere  
>The streets are full of strangers<strong>

No one understands! She's not supposed to be with him. I loved her first. I cared for her first. I saw her first. Her wish was my command. If she were to ask me to die for her, I would. I was ready, willing. Anything for my darling Lily. In my arms she would want for nothing. Never would a day go by where she wouldn't feel loved. I would tend to her every need. She would never want. I was ready to give her the world. My heart. My soul. My body. It was... no is hers. From now to forever.  
><strong><br>I love her  
>But every day I'm learning<br>All my life  
>I've only been pretending<br>Without me  
>Her world would go on turning<br>A world that's full of happiness  
>That I have never known<strong>

Never. Without her. The world is cold. The colors are gone. That entire last is gray. I can no longer smile. My face is like stone. Only one expression last. Sadness. Others see it as Rage. Angry. Hate. Evil. But no if anything, Longing. Hurt. Soulless. All alone I am with a heavy heart.  
><strong><br>I love her  
>I love her<br>I love her  
>But only on my own.<strong>

On my own.

**August 23, 1981**

**3:52 pm**

There she was. Standing only a few yards away. So close, he could practically touch her. She was talking to a group of old schoolmates, coddling over her recently turned 1 year old baby boy, Harry _James_ Potter. The reason why she chose that name of all others was above him, really. It may have something to do with the child look exactly like him. Down to the hair.

The only thing worthy of any attention in his eyes is what he gained from his mother. One of her most beautiful attributes, her godly Green Eyes.

Eyes he dreamed of every night. Gazing fondly at him, only for him. Loosing himself willing

_'What am I doing!'_ he thought miserably. Here he was **stalking **a **married** woman. Merlin was he sick. He needed to go now.

As he turned to leave he heard alluring melodic beautiful peal of laughter. Lily. Slowly he succumbed to her enticing Siren's Song.

Beautiful, Angelic, Enchanting, Divine, Bewitching, Captivating, Magnificent, sound! Merlin, everything about her was all and more! Her mind beyond her years, exploding with wondrous ideas and thoughts! Her beauty. Of a Goddess. One he would forever worship. Her voice, of archangel, that he would forever following. She was the envy of girls in his mind. No other compared in his eyes. Is heart yearned just to touch her, hold her in his arms for a minute or two. Show her he truly loved her with all his heart.

But that could never happen. She hated him. For that word. Severus Snape knew exactly who he was going to ask, Lily Evans. It had been 4 years since he had called her a 'mudblood' and he cursed himself every day. By now she had to have forgiven him right?

It wasn't fair. He had tried to make up for it. Sent her flowers upon flowers, all her favorite kind.

Severus knew things about Lily Evans that no one else knew.

Like her favorite food was peanut butter she had never told any of her friends or parent because she was allergic to it because they would find her quite odd if they ever found out. Her favorite color was Emerald Green she used to complain that it wasn't far that Slytherins got the best color though she kept that to herself. Finally, she hated it when people got her Lily's for her birthday or any special occasion. Like her sister Petunia they'd both been named after their mother's favorite flowers. Being named after a flower for some reason had caused them to hate the flower itself no matter how pretty it was. Lily's favorite flower was the Sweet William. The bright red ones. She had liked them because they were like her. They were small but they shouted with energy and life. Well in her case, Magic. She knew that Severus was very intrigued with flowers and knew all their names and properties (for potion use of course) but what she didn't know was that Severus also their meanings as well. The Sweet William held all there characteristic of a Gryffindor.

Against the thought every year on her birthday instead of getting her those Sweet Williams, Severus would gift her was her requested book and a bouquet of Gardenias. Gardenias, the flower of the unspoken love the giver loving the receiver without their knowledge. Well if they didn't know what the flower's meaning was.

Each year on her birthday as he gave her the bouquet he'd pray that she didn't find out the meaning of this particular flower saving her and himself from the embarrassment of explaining how long he had liked her and why.

She shared with him her being. In he would always listen intently. No matter what the topic was everything that came out her mouth was heavenly. Nothing else matter when she talked only she, nothing else existed other than her.

But now was not the time for that, here he was STALKING Lily. In the presence of her friends. It's like he was asking for death. For now he'd leave. Maybe later, when she was alone, he'd talk to her.

What Severus Snape didn't know was that the next time he'd be able to see his beloved Lily close up again would be when she was stone cold dead.

**A/N: AHHHHH! SO SAD! Angst writing has been in my mind for a while. I know it's Severus Snape's birthday I should put him with Lily and have live happily ever but come on! I like to follow the story line ;) adding my own spin on things that were left blank.** Tell me if you like and leave a review and I'll reply :D

Thanks for reading,

And I was Like OMG (Jasmine)


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